11/26/2010

everyone is a ghost. a replicant of someone from the past. living life. breathing each breath. moment after moment. trying to find meaning. hearts beating. blood going in and out. feeling very tense. we soar. fly above the given reality. look into the future. not giving a damn. what does it all matter in the end.

why does it anger me?

i don't even know if it's true, but just the possibility that it could gives me the shakes. the angry shivers that makes me want to punch and scream and kick and bite and scream and scream and scream! how could you? how could you be a fucking stereotype? so stupid! i hate you! that's what it makes me feel like.

Dead Can Dance

you walk beside me in your beautiful white linen shirt and i am taken back with your graceful posture. you somehow tolerate me in your life. but why i am not sure. if only you could feel the inside of the tears that cascade down my cheeks. full of bitter salt and sadness. i am not whomever you thought i was. you never knew me at all. just made yourself believe that you did. i hurt you and that was all that you could see.

holding back tears hurts like hell

they feel like needles behind these eyes

the carnival is over

what now?

sometimes i think that what we perceive as reality is a silent veil that has been manufactured over time to keep us from seeing the true nature of what is truth. i recently had an out of body experience that left me questioning waking reality. my body was completely shut down and my mind had taken full control placing me in a world all my own that i had created. i was there. it was real. i felt and smelled everything just as it should be. the man of my dreams was present, but it wasn't a dream. he was real. our lips touched. our hands were held together so tightly as if he knew at any moment that i would be gone forever. he knew that i didn't have the power yet to hold on. before waking, he was screaming for me to hold on. DON'T LET GO! but i couldn't. i've been feeling the over-whelming sense of loss. the desperation to return is eating away at my insides. what now?

a dream

i had a sad dream about you last night. you went back home and married her. then you came back and slept with me. it felt so real. like it was actually happening. maybe it's a pre-cursor to what will be one day. i can still see the both of you looking back at me. i can still hear my words to you that you are breaking my heart. i try so hard not to see her. if i do, then it means it's true. there's no turning back. i knew this would happen. i knew it all along. it comes to me in my dreams, haunting me and laughing in my face. you were never mine to begin with. it was all a fantasy. and now it hurts more than ever. to catch a glimpse of something that could be wonderful and to have it all fall apart in front of your eyes......how do you come back from that?

Losing myself each day

my grandfather's funeral has really shaken me up in ways that i didn't even think were possible. i wish i could have been there longer. i wasn't able to take off any time to stay. i flew in on a sunday the funeral was monday and i flew out immediately afterwards. it's such a strange thought that i will never be able to touch him ever again. i touched him as he laid in his coffin and he was so cold and stiff and as i looked at him and how peaceful he appeared to be all i could think of was how i didn't like the makeup job they had done on him. it's so weird that things that come to mind in certain situations that just make you think to yourself, "what in the hell does that matter?". i have so many mixed emotions racing through me and it's been so difficult lately to sort through them, to make any sense of them. like they are on speed 24/7 with periods of darkness every now and then. thoughts of my immediate family are completely fucked up now. i mean, they were before, but i am in a state of utter disgust now with how we are to each other and everyone else in our family. just nothing matters anymore. like they have settled for the misery. no discussions. the familiarity of it places this awful taste inside of my mouth. a putrid stench of frustration. i want to scream at them and tell them that they don't have to live that way. that people care about them. that we love them. that we can't bare to see them that way. let me help. what can i say to change it all? i have to go shed a tear.

if only you knew how this feels inside then maybe you might understand

I can't seem to find the words to be able to describe the unbelievable amount of pain that is residing within these bones. It's as though they don't exist. They aren't there. I black out. I'm tired. I just can't remember anymore. It's all becoming a terrifying blur. Really, I'm scared. You're scared OF me. I don't blame you. I couldn't. I'm trying to leave you alone. I sit in my room all by myself and the tears come out of nowhere. The sadness rises and there's nothing holding them back.

You just suck. No, really. You do!

You are unbelievable! Each and every single one of you! You never mean what you say. You hardly ever say anything at all. What am I supposed to think? I am utterly confused. In a constant state of confusion. You might mean the things that you say to me? How in the hell is that supposed to make me feel? It makes me feel like an asshole to be honest with you. After all this time, after all we have been through. Now? You never realize what you got till it's gone. Ain't that the truth?

I want to kiss you so bad that I think I might scream! Just let me back in a little bit will ya? What are you afraid of? I mean, are you afraid of me still? Shit, I really fucked up this time.

rid of me

your hugs are emotionless, while mine are holding on for dear life.

this constant yearning to turn it all back. drinking the pain.

pins and needles in my chest. tragedy.

when you are near, chills resonate through out my entire body and i get

the shakes. now i'm always nervous.

you look like a stranger

every time i see you now, you look like somebody else. i know it's you, but it's not who i thought i used to know. it's hard for me to even look at you. even believe that you can see me too. i get sea-sick and faint-hearted with an urgency to run as fast as i can in the opposite direction. confrontation is deadly.

Say Something, Say Anything

I hear the same phrase over and over again: I don't know what to say. It's extremely agitating and makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs for ever saying anything to you at all! I mean, why should I bother telling you how I feel when you have absolutely nothing to say? Am I wasting my tears and my breath? This isn't getting easier with time. It's getting worse. I hate that it went from being an important part of every day to see and talk to one another to not hearing a single thing from you days at a time. I know you're busy, but what do you think I'm doing? I'm just as busy as you are. I miss you. I still need you...very much. Please don't let me go.

Slowly Fading Away

He's slipping away. There's nothing that I can do about it. This was the choice made, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. It just wasn't.....Every time it enters my thoughts, tears begin to crawl into the corners of my eyes. I feel ashamed that I couldn't make things better, couldn't make things work....didn't know what to do. Now there's an emptiness taking hold and trying to take over. I must not let that happen. Your eyes don't like me anymore.

dark side of my eye

i'm tired of being used for whatever purpose they need. when do I get the support that I need? not just to use, but to acknowledge and praise and respect it. i'm always around when i'm needed. i can't seem to find someone to be that for me. i've been here to help put them on their path towards where ever they are supposed to go. i guess the difference is that i don't have or want to go anywhere. except to drink myself into the oblivion. that sounds like a nice place. i mean, fucking seriously! i go to the extreme to help people and i don't get shit for it! i think i'm going to get a new tattoo tom. no, i don't think i am! i'm so angry right now! i have a right to be!

Please Call Please Call Please Call

Ever want something so bad, you start going berserk about it? A constant longing that even the thought of the possibilities between make me smile and flutter with extreme excitement. I get all giddy and girly. Sending out the positive vibes. Come to me, I'll take care of you.

All Smiles

Ever wish for something to happen and then it ends up happening?

Holy Crap! Boy am I all smiles today! It's been a great day!

Lunch with Cristalle was absolutley wonderful and I had such a great time sitting in the park, eating Shake Shack. Beautiful day! I barely slept last night.....drank way too much again. Which I'm sure I'll do again tonight even though I keep telling myself that I shouldn't. For right now, whatever.

Current weather matches my current mood

Cold, rain. My insides feel cold and smothered by stinging rain. No, I am not okay. What kind of question is that when you all ready know the answer? Asking me that isn't going to flip on a switch inside my brain to re-program what I'm feeling these days. I swear, if I didn't have music play such a huge role in my life I'm pretty sure I'd be in a much darker place and have hit rock bottom by now. Thank you for always being there when I needed to keep my head straight and to understand the aching in my heart. Thank you for pulling my ass out of bed in the morning to go to work and not waste the entire day feeling sorry for myself. Everyone has their shit. Everyone has their own misery. Are any of us REALLY okay? For only moments I think that might be true. Generally speaking, I'm in a pretty good mood most of the time. There are so many little things that crack me up and make me smile. I'm not ashamed of being called the crazy-cat lady at work. I like cats, maybe a bit more than most people, but I don't care. I like what I like and those are the things that keep me sane throughout the day. I never understood why people like to make fun of other people for liking stuff that they didn't? What's the big freaking deal? So, I'm a big nerd? I'm happy with that. Maybe YOU shouldn't be so uptight and then maybe YOU might not be such a prick? People are weird. Whatever.

These are going in my face!

Holy Crap! One of my co-workers brought this shit to me the other day and they are just fucking incredible! Dammit Cheetos! Why are you so good?!

www.cinemassacre.com

I could listen to James speak for hours. He is highly entertaining. Everytime I watch one of his videos it makes me want to drink a whole bunch of Rolling Rock.

Aaron Johnson

This is the guy that plays Kick Ass. He is just gorgeous and I wanted to post a picture of him to share with you. I'm going to be following this one. Serioulsy, me and him need to have children together.

Kick Ass-Movie Review

I went to the 10:40pm showing of Kick Ass at the Chelsea Clearview Cinemas after work last night. I figured I should go see a movie instead of going to a bar and getting smashed since I had to be at work so freaking early. Pat on the back for making the better choice. I had my doubts and didn't really feel like seeing anything else. Rotten tomatoes gave it a 78%, so I thought it couldn't be that bad. All in all, I gotta say that I was not disappointed. The story was a bit stale and lacking for the most part, but the action sequences were just incredible! When I saw that Nicolas Cage was in it, I was like this movie HAS to suck, but NO he was freaking awesome! Well done Cage, well done! This movie has some excellent gore and violence. The cursing seemed a bit misplaced, but still it's always funny when a 12 year old girl says stuff like fuck and douchebag. There is also a moment when I literally jumped out of my seat and said out loud, "what in the?!". It's rare that I cringe during a movie these days and I gotta give props when I do. This is more of a movie to watch at home, but I'd recommend to see it with friends definitely.

http://www.marchviolets.co.uk/

I discovered this band from recently watching the movie Some Kind Of Wonderful.

I can not stop listening to the soundtrack....it is INCREDIBLE!

Yes, I am a Karaoke Fiend

Last night at Rick's Karaoke night at Alligator Lounge was super duper fun and full of people making out all over the place! Rick is by far one of my favorite dudes to hang out with. Beers flowing, pizza abound....how could you not have a good time? The night was almost a blow out when I decided it would be a grand idea to listen to my ipod while I was going to the bathroom. I don't know if you've ever used the women's bathroom at Alligator, but they are teeny tiny and the doors don't lock; sometimes the doors aren't even there. I do my business and then am trying to get out of the stall, when I ram into the wall and my ipod flies right out of my hand right into the freaking toilet. Of course the thought crossed my mind prior to it actually happening, but I was feeling good and boozy and didn't listen to myself. Thankfully, they have those awesome hand dryers called the Excelerator, or my ipod probably wouldn't be working. My cell phones and ipods love going into the freaking toilet...hmm...maybe I'm trying to tell myself to get rid of them? Screw that!

You Need An Outlet

Someone dear to me said that sentence to me yesterday and it really hits me hard. That same person also screamed the following at me when we were in the middle of a major fight,"You don't DO anything!".

It made me so upset, because that person is right. I have no creative outlet present in my life right now and haven't for a very long time. My outlet has been one of destruction and devastation: drink until nothing matters anymore and then end up hurting the ones that I love the most by scaring the shit out of them in drunken rages. Whittle them down until even the mere thought of me brings only pure disgust and hatred. Where does all of this pain come from? Why am I allowing myself to deteriorate?