Monday, June 21, 2010
Losing myself each day
my grandfather's funeral has really shaken me up in ways that i didn't even think were possible. i wish i could have been there longer. i wasn't able to take off any time to stay. i flew in on a sunday the funeral was monday and i flew out immediately afterwards. it's such a strange thought that i will never be able to touch him ever again. i touched him as he laid in his coffin and he was so cold and stiff and as i looked at him and how peaceful he appeared to be all i could think of was how i didn't like the makeup job they had done on him. it's so weird that things that come to mind in certain situations that just make you think to yourself, "what in the hell does that matter?". i have so many mixed emotions racing through me and it's been so difficult lately to sort through them, to make any sense of them. like they are on speed 24/7 with periods of darkness every now and then. thoughts of my immediate family are completely fucked up now. i mean, they were before, but i am in a state of utter disgust now with how we are to each other and everyone else in our family. just nothing matters anymore. like they have settled for the misery. no discussions. the familiarity of it places this awful taste inside of my mouth. a putrid stench of frustration. i want to scream at them and tell them that they don't have to live that way. that people care about them. that we love them. that we can't bare to see them that way. let me help. what can i say to change it all? i have to go shed a tear.
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People need their misery. It seems sometimes that you need to wallow in it as long as you are able before suddenly waking up and realizing that you want something more, to be happy perhaps.
ReplyDeleteAll we can do is be there when they need us, maybe surprise them with support now and then. Be strong, healthy, and happy, and lead by example is all I can say from my experience.
And oddly enough, I was writing about my grandmother's wake & funeral last night and 15 years later I'm not over it yet I can't even process it. I pretended it didn't happen for years, and even now as I try and remember it, it seems that it was too big for me to even process.
Hugs.
K