a dream

i had a sad dream about you last night. you went back home and married her. then you came back and slept with me. it felt so real. like it was actually happening. maybe it's a pre-cursor to what will be one day. i can still see the both of you looking back at me. i can still hear my words to you that you are breaking my heart. i try so hard not to see her. if i do, then it means it's true. there's no turning back. i knew this would happen. i knew it all along. it comes to me in my dreams, haunting me and laughing in my face. you were never mine to begin with. it was all a fantasy. and now it hurts more than ever. to catch a glimpse of something that could be wonderful and to have it all fall apart in front of your eyes......how do you come back from that?

Losing myself each day

my grandfather's funeral has really shaken me up in ways that i didn't even think were possible. i wish i could have been there longer. i wasn't able to take off any time to stay. i flew in on a sunday the funeral was monday and i flew out immediately afterwards. it's such a strange thought that i will never be able to touch him ever again. i touched him as he laid in his coffin and he was so cold and stiff and as i looked at him and how peaceful he appeared to be all i could think of was how i didn't like the makeup job they had done on him. it's so weird that things that come to mind in certain situations that just make you think to yourself, "what in the hell does that matter?". i have so many mixed emotions racing through me and it's been so difficult lately to sort through them, to make any sense of them. like they are on speed 24/7 with periods of darkness every now and then. thoughts of my immediate family are completely fucked up now. i mean, they were before, but i am in a state of utter disgust now with how we are to each other and everyone else in our family. just nothing matters anymore. like they have settled for the misery. no discussions. the familiarity of it places this awful taste inside of my mouth. a putrid stench of frustration. i want to scream at them and tell them that they don't have to live that way. that people care about them. that we love them. that we can't bare to see them that way. let me help. what can i say to change it all? i have to go shed a tear.