You Need An Outlet

Someone dear to me said that sentence to me yesterday and it really hits me hard. That same person also screamed the following at me when we were in the middle of a major fight,"You don't DO anything!".

It made me so upset, because that person is right. I have no creative outlet present in my life right now and haven't for a very long time. My outlet has been one of destruction and devastation: drink until nothing matters anymore and then end up hurting the ones that I love the most by scaring the shit out of them in drunken rages. Whittle them down until even the mere thought of me brings only pure disgust and hatred. Where does all of this pain come from? Why am I allowing myself to deteriorate?