what's the point?

I don't write as much as I used to. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm scared of what might come out of my mind. I've been a bit of a scared kitten these last 5 months. Quitting my job was the right thing to do; not having a job lined up was definitely not the way to go. I was managing there for a bit to pay the bills. Barely. Most of my cash is spent on booze and food. There is a numb feeling that occasionally courses through my being. Then I find myself crying to parts of Sex & the City. Pathetic. Losing faith in humanity...little by little. If there is such a thing as paying for your sins from a previous life, then I must have fucked so much shit up during it. I can't help others. I can barely help myself. Words of encouragement are like daggers to my sanity, when they should be uplifting my determination to get it together. It makes me feel worse about everything I've let fall to the wayside. The weather and the earth are freaking me out on a regular basis. It's all changing and I fear not for the better. I think humans are about to be tested on their abilities of survival. We aren't ready. I know I'm not.

11/26/2010

everyone is a ghost. a replicant of someone from the past. living life. breathing each breath. moment after moment. trying to find meaning. hearts beating. blood going in and out. feeling very tense. we soar. fly above the given reality. look into the future. not giving a damn. what does it all matter in the end.

why does it anger me?

i don't even know if it's true, but just the possibility that it could gives me the shakes. the angry shivers that makes me want to punch and scream and kick and bite and scream and scream and scream! how could you? how could you be a fucking stereotype? so stupid! i hate you! that's what it makes me feel like.

Dead Can Dance

you walk beside me in your beautiful white linen shirt and i am taken back with your graceful posture. you somehow tolerate me in your life. but why i am not sure. if only you could feel the inside of the tears that cascade down my cheeks. full of bitter salt and sadness. i am not whomever you thought i was. you never knew me at all. just made yourself believe that you did. i hurt you and that was all that you could see.

holding back tears hurts like hell

they feel like needles behind these eyes

the carnival is over

what now?

sometimes i think that what we perceive as reality is a silent veil that has been manufactured over time to keep us from seeing the true nature of what is truth. i recently had an out of body experience that left me questioning waking reality. my body was completely shut down and my mind had taken full control placing me in a world all my own that i had created. i was there. it was real. i felt and smelled everything just as it should be. the man of my dreams was present, but it wasn't a dream. he was real. our lips touched. our hands were held together so tightly as if he knew at any moment that i would be gone forever. he knew that i didn't have the power yet to hold on. before waking, he was screaming for me to hold on. DON'T LET GO! but i couldn't. i've been feeling the over-whelming sense of loss. the desperation to return is eating away at my insides. what now?

a dream

i had a sad dream about you last night. you went back home and married her. then you came back and slept with me. it felt so real. like it was actually happening. maybe it's a pre-cursor to what will be one day. i can still see the both of you looking back at me. i can still hear my words to you that you are breaking my heart. i try so hard not to see her. if i do, then it means it's true. there's no turning back. i knew this would happen. i knew it all along. it comes to me in my dreams, haunting me and laughing in my face. you were never mine to begin with. it was all a fantasy. and now it hurts more than ever. to catch a glimpse of something that could be wonderful and to have it all fall apart in front of your eyes......how do you come back from that?

Losing myself each day

my grandfather's funeral has really shaken me up in ways that i didn't even think were possible. i wish i could have been there longer. i wasn't able to take off any time to stay. i flew in on a sunday the funeral was monday and i flew out immediately afterwards. it's such a strange thought that i will never be able to touch him ever again. i touched him as he laid in his coffin and he was so cold and stiff and as i looked at him and how peaceful he appeared to be all i could think of was how i didn't like the makeup job they had done on him. it's so weird that things that come to mind in certain situations that just make you think to yourself, "what in the hell does that matter?". i have so many mixed emotions racing through me and it's been so difficult lately to sort through them, to make any sense of them. like they are on speed 24/7 with periods of darkness every now and then. thoughts of my immediate family are completely fucked up now. i mean, they were before, but i am in a state of utter disgust now with how we are to each other and everyone else in our family. just nothing matters anymore. like they have settled for the misery. no discussions. the familiarity of it places this awful taste inside of my mouth. a putrid stench of frustration. i want to scream at them and tell them that they don't have to live that way. that people care about them. that we love them. that we can't bare to see them that way. let me help. what can i say to change it all? i have to go shed a tear.